Recently, a client called to talk about her nanny. She was kind and careful with her words, clearly trying not to sound critical, but it was obvious she was unhappy. From what she shared, I gathered that the nanny had become so intertwined with the family that she began to see herself as an equal decision-maker in parenting, rather than someone who supports and carries out the family’s philosophies. The mom even referenced our own articles on partnering with a nanny and improving communication. I could tell she felt responsible for the misalignment, as though the nanny would be the right fit if she could just try harder. I felt awful, because despite our intention to set families up for success, she was feeling stuck. Eighteen months into the placement, what she truly needed was not more effort on her part, it was a nanny whose approach aligned better with her family’s needs.
I realized that we needed parents to feel understood and heard when the dynamic starts to shift in the wrong direction, and let them know it is OK to part ways when efforts have been made, but are no longer working. Here are some potential signs:
1. Communication Has Broken Down
When communication between you and your nanny starts to falter, it can appear in several ways. Your nanny may stop giving regular updates about your children, such as their progress, daily activities, or changing needs. They may respond to your messages or emails slowly, inconsistently, or not at all. Feedback might feel difficult to give, and conversations could become tense or defensive. Over time, this lack of open communication can lead to misunderstandings, missed opportunities to address issues early, and a sense of distance between you and your nanny. A healthy working relationship depends on both parties feeling heard, respected, and comfortable discussing concerns.
2. Your Parenting Approach is Not Being Respected
It is natural for you and your nanny to have different perspectives or philosophies on parenting. However, it becomes a problem when your wishes are disregarded in favor of their own values or preferences. A professional nanny’s role is to support your household by following your established rules, routines, dietary guidelines, and parenting methods. If your nanny makes decisions that directly contradict your instructions, or if you feel undermined in front of your children, the trust in your working relationship can quickly erode. You are the final decision maker in your home, and your nanny’s role is to carry out your approach in your absence. Mutual respect is essential, and your children benefit most when both you and your nanny present a united front.
3. Reliability Has Declined
When a nanny’s reliability starts to slip, it can be a sign that they are either unhappy in their role or have grown too comfortable and complacent. You might notice an increase in tardiness or unplanned absences, which disrupt the stability your family depends on. There may also be last-minute schedule changes that are not tied to legitimate emergencies, leaving you scrambling for coverage. Sometimes, this decline can stem from challenges in their personal life. While it is important to approach situations with empathy, that does not mean you have to tolerate the issue on an ongoing basis. When consistency fades, it impacts both logistics (like finding back-up care, missing work) and the overall trust and ease in your family’s life.
4. Trust Feels Weakened
If you find yourself questioning your nanny’s judgment more often, feeling the need to monitor their decisions closely, or micromanaging tasks you once assumed they could handle confidently, it’s time to have a conversation. Sometimes they can start small and you decide not to bring them up, but those concerns may begin to accumulate over time, creating a sense of unease. You might also notice behavior that suggests a lack of maturity or professionalism, which can further undermine your confidence. Sometimes, misunderstandings or misaligned expectations can be resolved through honest conversations and clear agreements. Other times, the gap in trust reflects a deeper incompatibility in values or approach.
If you notice these issues, the most productive step is to talk openly with your nanny. Share your expectations and concerns clearly, and invite them to do the same. A respectful conversation can help identify whether the challenges can be resolved or if they reveal a deeper mismatch. Either way, approaching the situation with honesty allows you to protect your family’s stability while giving your nanny the chance to respond and adjust. If you need any specific advice or would like to start a new search, reach out to schedule a consultation with Kimberly or Jessica.