Supporting Little Ones Through Separation Anxiety
At around 6-9 months (or even as early as 4 months), babies typically switch from being happily passed around, to becoming extremely clingy to their parents (let’s be real, it’s mostly Mom). This separation anxiety is a natural stage of child development that often peaks at about 12-18 months (but sorry to break this to you – it can also begin – or come back – in toddlerhood as well). Separation anxiety is actually a sign of healthy attachment. In some ways, it feels good to parents that their children have become attached to them. Babies are realizing that people and things don’t just vanish when they’re out of sight (also known as object permanence). However, since they don’t understand time yet, they don’t know when—or if—their parent will come back. So when a parent steps into another room, heads to the kitchen, or leaves for work, it all feels the same to them.
Unfortunately, this perfectly normal phase can look like clinging, leaning away from the nanny, shaking their head, fussiness, agitation, crying, screaming, and refusing to be comforted by others. This can be an emotional, unsettling, and sometimes guilt-ridden time for parents, so nannies should be informed about strategies that can help both parents and children navigate this stage.
Preparing and Executing Smooth Goodbyes: We suggest collaborating with parents to create a plan that everyone agrees to follow. The most effective goodbyes are brief as lingering actually makes things worse and creates more anxiety. The parent should give their child their full attention, and then quickly exit. Parents should remain calm and positive because children pick up on their emotions. It can also be effective to have a predictable goodbye ritual such as a hug, a high five, a special phrase (think “Grownups come back” jingle from Daniel Tiger), or handing the child a favorite, comforting toy or stuffed animal. The most important rule, however, is that parents not return to the home/room – even for a “visit” – as it makes the next transition even more difficult. You can also remind the parent how quickly their child typically calms down so they can remind themselves that what they are seeing is short-lived. IMPORTANT NOTE: It’s OK for nannies and parents to both be with the child for some time (e.g., 30 minutes) so the baby can get used to the nanny, but the actual goodbye should be brief. Parents should not sneak away, as this can worsen the child’s anxiety.
Supporting a Child After a Difficult Goodbye: Once the parent leaves, be sure to verbally validate their feelings, with a phrase such as, “I know you miss Mommy, but she’ll be back soon.” You also should try to engage the child in an activity, toy, or a meal or snack in order to shift the focus and offer a distraction. When they are a bit older, you can also offer a timeline. For instance, “After your nap and a snack, we’ll play on the playground outside, and then Mommy will be home!” Stay patient and be consistent because over time, the child will build trust and be less anxious.
Strengthening the Nanny-Child Bond: As you continue to build the bond, you become comforting to the child, and the structure you put in place will also add consistency. Your warmth, coupled with engaging the child in a variety of activities, will ease the transitions over time. Be sure to celebrate with parents any time a separation goes well (shoot her/him a quick text).
NOTE: Don’t be surprised if separation anxiety returns with triggers such as a new baby, a new home, or extended parental absences (such as a business trip).
The keys to maneuvering this phase are collaboration, patience, consistency, routines, and reminding yourself (and parents) that this phase is not only temporary, but a normal part of development. If you need any additional advice or support, please contact Melanie or Elena !
Sources:
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/toddler/Pages/Soothing-Your-Childs-Separation-Anxiety.aspx
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/separation-anxiety-in-babies
https://www.whattoexpect.com/first-year/week-10/separation-anxiety.aspx